


Contradictions and Contraindications

by flootzavut



Series: Orientation (College and Otherwise) [5]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, Art, Awkward Conversations, CUverse, Canon Non-Binary Character, College AU, Drawing, Episode: s09e06 A War for All Seasons, Friendship, Life Drawing, M/M, Misunderstandings, Non-binary character, Other, Romance, Stupid college boyfriends, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-17 05:34:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16089101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: Hawkeye Pierce continues to confuse BJ Hunnicutt in many, many ways, and BJ makes a new friend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onekisstotakewithme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/gifts), [shewho](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shewho/gifts), [grumpyfaceurn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/grumpyfaceurn/gifts).



> I'm rubbish at ratings, but while there's a little suggestive language in parts, I don't _think_ this merits an M.
> 
> Grumpy: I'm sorry for continually being vague ;) ♥️

* * *

_**Contradictions and Contraindications** _

* * *

 

BJ's in an excellent mood when he starts down Hawk's street. He's gotten so used to having Hawk around that he doesn't sleep nearly as well alone in his own bed. He doesn't even mind what they do or don't do today, as long as he gets to do whatever it is with Hawk.

His good mood doesn't last. He's taken maybe half a dozen steps towards Hawk's building when Hawk emerges from the front door, and isn't alone.

BJ stops dead.

This is Hawk, he knows what Hawk's like, but seeing him laughing with a beautiful blonde woman at 9am still punches BJ in the solar plexus.

BJ doesn't recognise her. She slaps Hawk's chest with the back of her hand and laughs, and Hawk's cackle rings out. BJ feels sick. Again. He can't help wondering, is this the person who left toothmarks on Hawk's ass?

He turns away, leans against the wall of the apartment building he stopped by, and closes his eyes.  _Fuck_.

It's not like he has any illusions about Hawk, or like they ever said this was exclusive. It's not as if he has a claim on Hawkeye Pierce. But it still hurts, and for the millionth time he asks himself if it's worth it, why he's doing this to himself, when he knows full well he and Hawk aren't on the same page?

More laughter makes him look around. Hawk and the blonde woman are hugging. It looks close and warm and intimate. BJ watches for a second, then forces himself to turn away, to walk away, anything rather than standing here torturing himself.

Without consciously thinking about it, he traces a familiar path and finds himself outside Hawk's local coffeehouse. He doesn't have a better idea or a better place to go, and at least he can sit somewhere for a while, take some time to think.

"Hi, BJ," says the girl at the counter when he walks in. It's the same girl from chem lab he recognised when he was last here with Hawk. There's no queue. BJ figures most students aren't awake yet, and most regular people are already in work.

"Hey." BJ has more attention to spare today, without Hawk hanging off of him, and he's relieved to notice as he orders his coffee that she's wearing a name tag -  _Peg_. He didn't want to have to admit that till now, she was just one of several dozen vaguely familiar faces. Besides Hawk, who is baffling but unbelievably vivid in so many ways, college has been a confusing blur so far.

She grins at him. "Does Hawkeye live near here?"

"What?"

"Your boyfriend?"

BJ blushes. "Yes. No. I mean. Yes, he lives nearby. But he's not- he's not my boyfriend."

She gives him a sceptical look. "Really?"

"Uh." BJ knows in theory that he doesn't have to explain himself, but in practice, he can't bear to either claim a title he doesn't deserve or give this girl a bad impression. "It's... complicated," he manages. "I... but he-"

Peg looks like she's trying not to laugh at him. "I see."

"He's, you know. Hawkeye. He doesn't do relationships."

It comes out rather pathetic, and he can practically see her figuring it out and feeling sorry for him rather than laughing, which might be worse. "It's okay," he adds, "it is what it is." He doesn't realise till too late how resigned he sounds, like this is the best he can do.  _Shit_. "Can I get a do-over on this conversation?"

Peg does laugh then, although she covers her mouth with her hand and flaps the other like she's trying to physically apologise. It's so cute, BJ can't bring himself to be mad at her. "I'm sorry," she says eventually, "you just - you have a very expressive face."

BJ raises his eyebrows.

"It's adorable."

"Thanks?"

"You always seem so self-confident in class, it's nice to know you're not entirely unflappable."

BJ rolls his eyes. "Just so long as I make someone laugh while I make a fool of myself."

"Well I sure can use a laugh when I'm halfway through a shift and my feet hurt."

"That's one way of looking at it." BJ shrugs a shoulder. He could do with a laugh himself right now.

Peg studies him for a long moment, then pats his hand. "It's okay, you know."

"What's okay?"

"To love someone. Even if maybe they don't deserve it or don't feel the same way. It doesn't mean what you feel isn't real and important."

BJ looks away.

"But for whatever it's worth, I've been at school here for over a year, I've seen Hawkeye Pierce around. I've heard all the stories, he even hit on me one time. Hawkeye is legendary, even if half the people who talk about him don't know anything for sure beyond his nickname. But I've never seen him look that way at anyone before." She pauses, then adds, "Not the way he looked at you."

"Oh." BJ doesn't know how to respond. He'd like to believe her, but it seems...  _unwise_  to pin his hopes on the word of someone he never exchanged half a dozen words with before today, and who probably doesn't know Hawk even as well as he does.

It does make him think of the way Hawk looked at him, though, the last time they were here. The day of the hickey. The day they ate tarts. The way they talked and laughed, the way Hawk curled up into his side, how they ended up falling asleep together, fully clothed, innocent. Hell, even when Hawk drew him at the weekend. That day started with sex but ended up lazy and comfortable, the two of them enjoying each other's company, and Hawk helping him revise for a test.

But BJ can't, he just  _can't_  put too much stock in any of it. He can't afford to get hurt again. Dating Hawkeye - or being his friend with benefits, or however they're describing this thing (or rather, how they're not describing it) is plenty stupid. He's in too deep already. He can't risk reading more into this than is really there.

"Thanks, Peg," he tells her, not sure what else to say. "Thank you. Uh. See you in class?"

She gives him a sunshine smile. "Take good care of yourself, BJ." She sounds like she really means it.

"Thanks," he says again, heat rising in his cheeks, then toasts her with his coffee. He's relieved to see another customer approaching the counter, so at least he has an excuse to go sit and think.

He makes his way to a quiet table, and it's not till he sits down that he realises it's the one he and Hawkeye sat at that first day - their first date, their first kiss, their first time, all coming on the heels of their first conversation. Even when he's here alone, BJ can't seem to escape Hawk's influence, though he's not sure he wants to, either. That's half his problem.

He sips at his coffee. He should probably open a book or reread some notes, but he doesn't think there's any way he can concentrate with the image of Hawk and that woman in each other's space, so much intimacy in their body language. He can't stop thinking about it. How many people does Hawkeye sleep with besides BJ? Exactly how far short of keeping Hawk happy is he falling? Would Hawk be faithful if BJ was fucking him? If he was fucking BJ? Maybe it's more proof Hawk doesn't do serious, doesn't consider sex that big of a deal.

Or maybe it means he just doesn't care about BJ all that much.

That doesn't make sense, though. Not really. BJ fishes his sketchpad out of his bag and flips through the pages. So many of them are things Hawk told him to draw or  _helped_  him to draw, and there are none that Hawk hasn't talked about with him.

Then there's the affectionate caricature BJ found last night before he went to bed. A cute little cartoon, big grin, big forehead, legs for miles and a blush, eating a French tart. That would've made BJ smile anyway, but the figure is hand in hand with another character, this one with an even bigger grin and a big nose and black hair, looking at the first like he's totally besotted. BJ has no idea when Hawk drew it, but it made BJ blush and laugh. He can't reconcile the man who'd draw a sweet, almost romantic cartoon of them together with the man who'd have... company... when he'd invited BJ to come around. None of it makes sense.

He thinks about the woman he saw with Hawk. She was beautiful, blonde and smiling. Does Hawk have a type? BJ both wishes he hadn't seen them together at all, and wants to know everything. Is she a regular bedmate? Or does Hawk treat every casual encounter as if they're a close friend? Exactly how poor is BJ's judgement when he can't stay away?

God, he's so jealous. Does Hawk prefer women? Is it BJ who's the aberration? It must be easier with a girl - no need to worry if anyone is judging, no funny looks, and everything fitting together so easily. Does Hawk miss women when he's in bed with BJ?

BJ's mind is five steps ahead, and against his will he's picturing Hawk in bed with a beautiful blonde, driving into her, burying his face between her legs. No doubt Hawk's as good at that as he is at giving head to a man.

It's a thought that's both hot and devastating. Hawkeye Pierce eating a woman out would be an education, most likely, but BJ wishes he could scrub the thought from his brain, bleach away the mental image.

When someone walks over and stops by his table, he looks up, relieved, grateful for the interruption.

"Hi." It's Peg again.

"Hey."

"I'm on my break for a few more minutes," she says. "Is it okay if I join you?"

"Sure."

She pulls out the chair opposite and gives him a smile, but it's not the bright grin of before. It's warm and sympathetic, and he's caught between gratitude and wishing he could get up and walk away; sympathy means there's something he should be pitied for, something that would make a near stranger want to comfort him.

Peg takes a sip of her coffee, then sets it down and rests her chin on her fist as she glances down at the page he has open. "That's cute," she says. "Did you draw that?"

BJ's ears burn. "No, Hawkeye did."

Her eyebrows pop up. "Really?" She looks down again. "It's darling. I knew he was a bit of an artist, but I didn't realise he was a closet romantic."

"He's a fantastic artist." BJ isn't certain why he feels quite such a need to defend Hawk's artistic honour; maybe it's because he has no idea how to respond to the notion of Hawk as a romantic, let alone that Hawk's romantic in relation to him. "He's really good." Of course, BJ doesn't exactly have any proof on him, and even if he did, proof in the way of himself naked is not something he's about to share with a girl he only vaguely knows.

Peg looks like she's stifling a grin at his vehemence, but she pats his hand like she did before. "Well, I'm no artist or art critic, but that is adorable."

The warmth of his blush spreads from BJ's ears to his face, but he smiles goofily at the picture. It might make no sense to BJ that Hawk can draw an adorable cartoon of them together and then spend the night with someone else, but it  _is_  adorable (and Hawk is adorable), and BJ really wants to figure this out.

Peg takes another mouthful of coffee, then swirls her cup around a little. "I know what it's like dating a living legend, you know."

BJ looks up. "Yeah?"

"Have you heard of Donna Marie Parker?"

BJ gapes for a second. "Uh, maybe?" He can't think. Is Peg saying what he thinks she's saying?

"We've been dating for coming on a year, and the things people say about her sometimes can be... hard to hear."

BJ really isn't sure if he's heard any gossip about anyone named Donna, he's too busy processing the revelation that Peg clearly isn't straight. "Oh."

"So what I'm saying is, if you want to talk sometime, well, I've been there. At least we don't live in the fifties, but it's tough enough being queer without people saying horrible things about someone you care about."

BJ has to close his eyes for a second, because it's such a relief that someone else gets it.

She pats his hand again; BJ grabs hers and looks up. "Thanks," he says.

Peg squeezes. "You're welcome." She smiles shyly. "I'll look out for you."

BJ smiles back, even though part of it is amusement that this slip of a girl is offering to have his back. He's not going to turn it down. Between being the new student surrounded by established friendships and spending so much of his free time with Hawk, he hasn't got a lot of people looking out for him; he could do a hell of a lot worse.

"I'll introduce you to Donna, too," Peg continues. "No one screws with Donna. Not even Hawkeye Pierce."

"Really?"

"Trust me. He'll shit a brick when he finds out who I am, I guarantee it."

BJ can't help it, he cracks up - not just at the idea of Hawk's reaction, but at the unexpectedly ripe language out of teeny tiny blonde Peg.

She laughs with him and looks utterly delighted to get such a reaction.

"I'm sorry," he says when he gets his breath back. "I don't know if Hawk's that easily scared, though."

Peg gives him a grin that's more mischievous than BJ expects from her. "Oh, you just wait and see, BJ, wait and see."

He can't argue with that. "I guess I'll have to."

Peg looks at her watch and swears. "I don't usually have someone to talk to on breaks, I lost track of time." She gulps her coffee down as she stands up. "It was nice talking to you, BJ. And I meant it, about looking out for you." She smiles. "It must be rough being the new kid in your second year."

BJ gives her a rueful smile. He's touched by her concern, and a little chagrined he hasn't done a better job looking as if he's coping. "It is," he admits. "I'm hoping I won't feel like this forever."

"I'm sure you won't." She leans over and scribbles on a napkin, then hands it to him. "That's my cellphone, and Donna's number at home. Keep in touch."

BJ barely has time to say thank you before she's off back to work. He copies the numbers from the napkin into his phone, then carefully folds it up and puts it in his pocket. It finally feels like maybe he's made a friend besides Hawk. And maybe he needs to go talk to Hawkeye. He feels slightly better about it after talking to Peg, even if he's not sure whether it's because she was right to reassure him or simply because her understanding makes him feel a little less at sea, but either way, he's not quite so inclined to run back home and tend to his wounds without at least giving Hawk a chance.


	2. Chapter 2

Hawk greets BJ with a wide smile and a warm kiss. (It doesn't taste of lipstick.) "A sight for sore eyes," he says.

If BJ hadn't seen Hawk's previous company leaving, it would be tempting to assume BJ's the one person he most wanted to see, and that BJ's appearance has made his day. As it is, Hawk's obvious enthusiasm is a little bewildering.

"Hi," BJ manages. Oh, he's  _weak_  for this man.

Hawk tugs him inside. "I was expecting you sooner," he says. "Started to wonder if you'd thought better of it."

He says it like it's a joke, but he's tidying things away, eyes averted, and the undertone to his words suggests it's based on truth. Yet another thing that makes no sense to BJ.

"I was here earlier," he says. "I saw you with someone-"  _with a woman, a gorgeous woman, and I was fucking_ hurt _, Hawkeye_  "-so I thought I'd come back later."

Hawk looks confused for a moment, then his expression clears. "Oh, you mean Margaret. That's too bad, you should've come said hi. Margaret's cool, you'll like her."

BJ doesn't know how to take that. He wants to confront Hawk, but he's also afraid of the consequences. Hawk's bed is messy, like it usually is, so it's impossible to tell if Hawk had company there, but the couch is a disaster, there's no way it was slept on in the last twelve hours.

"Did she stay over?" BJ blurts out. It makes it sound like a middle school sleepover, but he doesn't know how to ask if Hawk had sex with her last night.

"Yup," Hawk says, without hesitation. "It's a shame you didn't get to meet her."

Is this Hawk's way of warning BJ this is casual? Is it so casual to Hawk that he doesn't even realise BJ might want an explanation? Either scenario hurts. "I didn't want to intrude."

Hawk smiles, cups BJ's jaw, and leans in to drop a brief kiss on his mouth. "You're far too good to me." (BJ's tempted to agree.)

They look at one another for a moment, then Hawk grins and tugs BJ down with him onto the newly-cleared couch and into yet another kiss. It's not a kiss that's going anywhere. It's as if Hawk's kissing BJ for the sheer pleasure of kissing him, and BJ's confused as fuck but it's just so damn  _nice_.

"God, it's good to see you," Hawk says when they come up for air. "Would it be awkward if I tie you to my bed so you're always here?"

BJ laughs. "It might screw up my GPA a little."

"Damnit."

"Will this buy me some forgiveness?" BJ jokes, pulling out boxes from the coffeehouse.

Hawk's face lights up. "You are my absolute favourite person, BJ Hunnicutt." His reaction makes something simultaneously spark and ache in BJ's chest.

The pastries were an impulse buy on his way out the door (Peg grinned at him indulgently and gave him a complimentary Danish which he ended up eating on the way over, to settle his nerves), an effort on his part to remind himself why he's stuck around this long already, but he didn't expect to get such a glowing response for such a simple gesture.

Hawk looks even happier when he sees that one of the tarts is peach. "You remembered!"

Telling Hawk that almost anything he ever said is emblazoned on BJ's mind whether BJ wants it to be or not wouldn't be wise, so he just responds, "Of course I did." BJ's constantly surprised by Hawk's delight in such small details, in the things BJ does that come naturally, because doing things for Hawkeye is a pleasure in itself.

They sit and munch. BJ steals a slice of peach from Hawk, who in turn filches a chunk of strawberry from BJ. BJ wishes he could rewind the day and have it play out almost the same. If he'd gone to the coffeeshop first, he could've had all this without his guts twisting into knots. The idea is only emphasised when Hawk finishes his tart first then lies down, draping his legs over the arm of the couch and resting his head in BJ's lap.

"Comfortable?"

Hawk gives him a brilliant smile. "Very."

BJ shakes his head as he pops the last of his own tart into his mouth. It's really infuriatingly difficult to stay mad at Hawk when Hawk looks at him that way.

"Get your test score back yet?"

"I got a 98."

Hawk's grin gets wider, which BJ wouldn't have thought possible, and he reaches up to touch BJ's face again. "I knew you could do it. Next time, we should play the strip version of quiz revision-" (BJ laughs; Hawk ignores him) "-then you'll get 99, easy. Nothing concentrates the mind like impending nakedidity."

"You play strip revision?"

"I'll play strip anything, Beej." Hawk winks. "Especially with you."

"Idiot. Also, what the hell does nakedidity mean?"

"It's like nakedness, it's just much more fun to say."

"I reiterate: Idiot."

"You love me this way." Hawk says it so casually, but BJ still blushes, and he hopes Hawk won't pick up on it. "I mean, everybody does. I'm just irresistible like that."

It makes BJ kind of sad now, when Hawk does the smug confidence act, because BJ knows it  _is_  an act. Hawk really doesn't know how loveable he is, and BJ can't figure out why. "I'm sure," he says, without being able to completely hide his smile; Hawk smirks up at him as if he knows how damn adorable he is. BJ wants to tell Hawk he is very nearly irresistible, and probably would say it if it weren't for... well.

Conversation drifts through various topics, which is how it usually goes. BJ's only surprise is when he finds himself being quizzed on the structure and function of the kidney, and whether they could jury-rig an artificial one using only items found at Sears. Hawk closes his eyes, though he keeps on talking. He looks so innocent and soft like this.

BJ regrets again that he saw what he saw. If he hadn't, this would be the perfect way to spend a morning, but he can't enjoy it properly when his head's full of unanswered, unaskable questions. How does he even start? It makes it hard to concentrate, hard to relax. Hawk nuzzles into him, and he ends up stroking Hawk's hair because he just cannot resist, but he can't forget, either, no matter how hard he tries.

"So, have you known Margaret a long time?" he asks at last, without any preamble, unable to swallow the words down any longer.

Hawk shoots him a strange look for the non sequitur. "Ages. We were freshmen together. Me, her and Max made quite the trio."

"Max?"

"Max Klinger."

"Who's that?"

Hawk grins. "Mere words cannot describe Maxwell Q Klinger. Max must be experienced. He's one of a kind."

"He sounds... interesting."

"You've no idea."

BJ's intrigued, but this Max guy isn't exactly the point. It wasn't Max he saw leaving Hawk's building this morning. "She's very... attractive."

"Max?" Hawk looks confused. "Wait, I didn't think you'd met Klinger?"

BJ's confused by Hawk's confusion, but he ploughs on. "I mean Margaret."

"Margaret? Yeah, sure, she's gorgeous," Hawk agrees, closing his eyes. "And she can be kind of a bitch queen, but she's our bitch queen, you know?"

"Did you sleep with her?" BJ didn't mean to blurt it out like that, but once it's out it's too late, and he does want to know the answer.

"Sure. She's great in bed. Kind of a hellcat."

BJ swallows against the sudden constriction in his throat. He thought he wanted to know, but now he wishes he'd kept his mouth shut.

"I mean, Margaret's not  _me_  legendary, but so few are," Hawk says with a laugh. "Why'd you ask?"

There's a moment of silence, then Hawk cracks an eye open. "Beej?"

"Just... uh. Curious, I guess." BJ's voice is steadier than he feels.

Hawk frowns at him, his nose crinkling up in a way BJ's gotten so familiar with and wants to smooth out with gentle fingertips, but then Hawk shrugs and closes his eyes again.

"You know, it's so weird, Beej. I keep forgetting you don't know everything and everyone. It feels like you've been here forever."

"In a good way?"

Hawk smiles, opening his eyes for a moment, and his expression is affectionate. "In the best way."

It's a little comforting. Once again, BJ's caught between wanting to hold Hawkeye close and wishing he had the strength to run away and not look back. "I'm glad."

Hawk presses the side of his face against BJ's belly through his shirt. He looks so content, and it seems so unfair.  _Why aren't I enough for you?_

"Beej?"

"Yeah?"

Hawk blinks his eyes open, and they're so blue and so pretty. He sits up slowly, one hand firm on BJ's thigh, and they look at each other.

"You're gorgeous," Hawk whispers.

BJ flushes. "So are you."

"Can I draw you some more?"

"I-" Saying no to Hawkeye is never easy, but on the other hand, post seeing-Hawk-with-someone-else, BJ doesn't feel much like stripping off. "I'm not really in the mood for nakedidity," he says, hoping the adoption of Hawk's silly word will soften it a little.

Hawk smiles. "I just wanna draw you. You don't have to be naked."

BJ can't find a reply to that. He's seen enough of Hawk's oeuvre by this point, he was half convinced Hawk's never drawn a clothed person in his life besides those cartoons.

After a few seconds where Hawk's looking at BJ and BJ's gaping back, Hawk squeezes BJ's thigh, then gets up and fetches his pad and pencils. He sits back down with his back to the arm of the couch, and drapes his legs across BJ's lap without a shred of self-consciousness.

"Jesus," he says, "you're beautiful. I should draw you for my end-of-semester project."

BJ's ears and cheeks go hot. Hawk's tone is - is almost  _worshipful_. BJ's touched and confused and turned on. "I don't want everyone to see me naked."

Hawk grins. "For you, Beej, I'd even draw clothes."

(BJ can't find a response. That shouldn't feel like quite such a compliment.)

It's fascinating for BJ to watch Hawk watching him. Hawk examines him so carefully, so closely, his concentration absolute. Then every so often he looks up to share a grin with BJ, as if he's flipped a switch. BJ loves the passion with which Hawk draws, but he loves those moments of mischievous joy even more.

If it were anyone else drawing him, BJ would probably be incredibly self-conscious, but he's gotten somewhat used to Hawk studying him this way, even if it gets to him sometimes. It feels good to have Hawk so focused on him. Even if it's just for a short while, it's as if no one else in the world exists. It's how BJ imagines he might feel if this were exclusive and committed and all those other things he can't help wishing for.

What he loves most, though, is the excuse to watch Hawk himself, to study his face and body while Hawk's distracted. He could sit like this and watch Hawk work for hours. BJ hasn't figured out how to make his pencils do what he wants them to, but by the time he's mastered them, he'll probably be able to draw Hawk by heart, from his toes to his hair.

BJ doesn't realise he's staring  _quite_  so hard till Hawk laughs and sets his pencils aside for a moment to peel his shirt off. He's wearing a tight, short-sleeved t-shirt underneath, and BJ swallows. Hawk looks good enough to eat.

"Far be it from me to impede your ogling," he says.

When BJ glances up, embarrassed to have been caught, Hawk's grinning, his tongue caught between his front teeth. He stretches ostentatiously, the shirt riding up to display a strip of pale belly, and when he goes back to his drawing he's smirking.

"Smug bastard."

Hawk's smirk widens. "I challenge anyone not to feel smug when you're looking at them like they're edible." He's drawing again, and it's the only thing that stops BJ from leaning forwards to slide his hand over Hawk's skin, up under his t-shirt.

"You should let me draw you," he murmurs.

Hawk raises an eyebrow. "You draw me every week."

"It's not enough."

Hawk actually stops drawing and looks up. "No?"

BJ's scared his voice will betray him, so he just shakes his head.

There's a long moment where they stare at each other. "Fuck," Hawk says eventually, "I want to take off all your clothes and kiss every inch of your body."

BJ gulps.

"It's weird, though," Hawk continues, and it's almost as if he's thinking aloud, "'cause I also want to curl up in your lap and let you stroke my hair some more." There's that crease between his eyebrows again. "I don't... I don't understand it. You just..."

BJ wouldn't know what to say even if he could find his voice. His chest is tight. He doesn't understand it either, doesn't understand Hawk, but he wants to, so so much.

Hawk goes back to his drawing, and BJ can breathe again. Hawk's nose and forehead are still crinkled with confusion and concentration, and BJ promises himself he's going to kiss those lines away first chance he gets.

"Hawk?"

"Mmhm?"

"You're beautiful."

Hawk stops dead, gives his sketchpad a pleased, almost shy grin. "Thanks for noticing," he says, but although the words are joking, his tone is not. He adds a few more lines to his drawing, then he's shuffling along the couch till he's practically in BJ's lap. He hands BJ the pad and leans his head on BJ's shoulder.

"I love drawing you," he whispers.

The drawing is tender and warm, a simple portrait, done with care and (there's no other word for it) love.

BJ swallows hard and presses a kiss to Hawk's forehead. "It's beautiful, Hawk."

Neither of them says anything for a while. BJ doesn't know what to say, what he  _can_  say.

Eventually Hawk tilts his head up to kiss the corner of BJ's jaw, then slides a hand up to his cheek and pulls him into a proper kiss. BJ's dizzy with it, with how much he wants this man. It's soft and gentle, and like before, it doesn't feel like it's leading anywhere. For someone sex-obsessed, by his own admission, Hawk can be so sweet and so romantic. Hawk kisses his chin and his cheek and his nose and his eyelid, then presses his forehead to BJ's and laughs.

BJ peels his eyes open to find Hawk looking at him, eyes sparkling blue, mere inches from his own.

"Hi," Hawk says.

"Hi." BJ sounds as confused and besotted as he feels. He's falling so hard and so fast, and he doesn't know if he can keep Hawk from figuring it out.

Hawk smiles. "You're adorable." He climbs out of BJ's lap without breaking eye-contact, sets the sketchpad aside, and holds out his hands.

BJ takes them, because it's Hawk and he still can't say no, and lets Hawk pull him up from the couch.

Hawk tugs him in close and interlaces their fingers as he kisses BJ again, soft and tender, then he pulls BJ with him as he walks towards his bed.

BJ's heart thuds in his chest as they kick their shoes off. "One track mind," he says, but gentles it with a smile. He's not complaining - God knows he's had some less than pure thoughts about Hawk looking all tousled in that  _damn_  t-shirt. Even with all today's misgivings, he can't deny that he wants Hawk, a lot.

Hawk looks genuinely confused for a moment, as he sits down and tugs BJ down beside him, then laughs. "I didn't - look, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying no, and don't you dare tell a soul I ever said something this cheesy and lame, but I just-" He stops, and holy fuck, is that a blush? He looks away, suddenly shy. "I just wanna hold you," he says, in a very small voice.

BJ blinks. "What?"

Hawk seems to sink down into himself. "Oh. All right. It's okay," he murmurs, fingers hooking into the hem of his shirt, "we can do whatever, I-"

"You  _idiot_ ," BJ says, then kisses Hawk, as warm and kind and sweet as he knows how, lies back with Hawk in his arms, wrapped up so tight Hawk can't possibly interpret it as a request to get naked, and doesn't let go until Hawk has gone floppy and relaxed in his arms.

"Beej?" Hawk whispers.

"You surprised me," he says. "God, I- of course we can do this, you idiot. Hawk, I-" He swallows hard. He doesn't know how to say this without admitting how much Hawk's come to mean to him. He runs his hands up and down Hawk's back. "This is - this is  _good_ , Hawk, okay? This is good. I like holding you, too."

"Oh." Hawk presses his face into BJ's neck, shudders as he melts into BJ's embrace, like someone cut his strings but it was a huge relief. "Oh."

BJ has no idea who it was who made Hawk think so little of himself that he doesn't think he's allowed to cuddle, but when he finds out, he's going to grind them into pulp.


	3. Chapter 3

BJ didn't mean to fall asleep, but snuggling with Hawk is so comfortable, so damn cosy and enjoyable, it's not a surprise to discover that he did. Hawk's sprawled over him like a skinny, dark-haired blanket, snoring softly with his face pressed into BJ's neck, and when BJ pets his hair, he nuzzles in closer and lets out a contented rumble that reminds BJ of a happy cat.

BJ wonders again who did what to make Hawk so unsure about wanting physical affection besides sex. It's obvious Hawk craves it, that touching and being touched is less of a desire and more of a need, but he's wary of asking for it or trusting that he's allowed to have it.

Surely the craving and the uncertainty wouldn't coexist if Hawk knew he was allowed to want this? Somewhere along the line, someone did... something,  _hurt_  Hawkeye somehow. BJ likes Hawk, a hell of a lot, and he's prone to making excuses for people he cares for, but the way Hawk went from embarrassed and hopeful to ashamed and dejected so fast... BJ can't dismiss that.

It makes him sad, it makes him angry, and it makes him feel a little sick. He wishes he knew how to ask, but they have a strange, lopsided intimacy; BJ could identify Hawk by touch alone, they've talked for hours about everything and nothing, and yet the concrete things he knows  _about_  Hawk would fill less than one sheet of paper. Sometimes BJ wishes they hadn't tumbled into bed so fast, but he suspects trying to date Hawk in any regular sort of a way would've been a huge failure.

So here they are, intimate strangers, wound together tightly and miles apart; BJ wouldn't know how to start a conversation like this with anyone, much less with someone who's simultaneously his best friend here, his tutor in everything from art to science, his lover, and still a complete mystery.

He strokes up and down Hawk's back, up into his hair and down where his shirt and pants don't quite meet and his skin is warm and inviting under BJ's fingers. There are so many reasons BJ should be careful, but it's easy to ignore them all when this is so natural.

"I think maybe I love you," he breathes, quiet enough Hawk probably wouldn't hear it even if he were awake. BJ's not ready for Hawk to know yet. He's not even sure of what he's feeling. It's all so overwhelming, so scary. "I'm a fool. I'm a total idiot over you, Hawkeye Pierce." Of that, he's utterly certain.

Hawk stirs a little, as if hearing his name partially roused him. He's wrapped around BJ so tightly, it's like BJ woke up in bed with an amorous octopus. BJ strokes up the line of Hawk's spine into his hair, presses his mouth to Hawk's forehead and breathes in deeply. God, he can't get enough, he's  _addicted_ , it's ridiculous.

If having BJ in his life can give Hawk some of the caring and affection he so clearly needs... BJ's not sure he could walk away now even if he could make himself want to. It's probably stupid, and it's definitely not healthy, but he's in too deep to give up.

He combs his fingers through Hawk's hair, pets it, laughs softly at the reaction he gets. If BJ weren't a scientist, he'd definitely think Hawkeye had cat DNA somewhere in his genetic makeup, and even as it is, knowing it's a silly, fanciful notion, BJ can't help making the comparison. If Hawk starts purring, he won't be at all surprised.

Hawk's hair is just as soft as it looked that first afternoon in class. BJ can't decide if it feels like only a few days ago or like years. Despite his instant attraction, he never expected to end up in this situation.

Having a Hawkeye-shaped-cat-blanket to stroke almost puts BJ back to sleep, until Hawk wakes up and snuggles into BJ's neck. "Beej?"

"Hi, Hawk."

Hawk blinks his eyes open slowly and gives BJ a warm, lazy smile, before stretching in a way that only adds to the impression of felinity. "Beej," he murmurs.

BJ runs his fingers through Hawk's hair again, and Hawk squirms happily like BJ knew he would. He's so open and soft when he's just woken up, as if all his defences are down and nothing in the world could faze him. There's something unbearably touching about it, about seeing Hawk so utterly relaxed and content, and it makes BJ fall a little more in love. He could wake up to this face the rest of his life.

Hawk folds his hands on BJ's chest and rests his chin on them, and his gaze flicks between BJ's eyes and mouth. He smiles again.

"What?"

"I was just thinking how nice it is to find you in my bed when I wake up. Even when neither of us is naked."

BJ laughs. "Idiot." There's a part of him - and not a small part, either - aching to strip Hawk out of his ridiculous t-shirt and touch him everywhere. Hawk would let him. Hell, Hawk would help him. It isn't that he doesn't want to slip one hand up under Hawk's shirt and the other down into his pants, to fall back on the one part of this he actually understands. He tugs Hawk into a kiss, and it's so tempting to push him onto his back, to give in to the urge and let this turn into something less cosy and more sexual. But... but.

The image of that woman - of Margaret - is still too clear in BJ's memory. If Hawk can so casually sleep with someone else, can say so, so easily... it just hurts. BJ isn't quite ready to forgive Hawk yet. It's not especially fair; it's not as if they have boundaries Hawk crossed, and BJ can't bring himself to press the issue. Part of Hawkeye is still better than none of him. But it hurts. BJ can get past it - or he thinks he can. He hopes he can. It'll just take longer than a few hours.

Hawk pulls away from his mouth to kiss along his jaw and down his throat, nuzzles in to the open neck of his shirt, and lets out a happy sigh. "Beej?"

"Mmhm?"

"Exactly how attached to your GPA are you?"

"What?"

Hawk chuckles against his skin. "I keep imagining how great it would be to have you tied to my bed so you were always here."

BJ ruffles Hawk's hair. "Or you could just invite me around a lot, and then I'd get to go to classes as well as spending time in your bed."

Hawk humphs. BJ didn't even know that was a thing people did in real life, but it's the only word for the noise Hawk makes. "'S not the same as having you here all the time, though. What'm I supposed to do when you have lectures and all that boring stuff?"

BJ bites back the urge to say he's sure Margaret will keep Hawk company. "I guess you'll have to learn to live without me," he says, as lightly as he can manage.

Hawk sucks gently at the hollow of BJ's throat, and it's another exercise in self-control not to kiss him senseless. "Can't tempt you away from your schoolwork then?" he murmurs against BJ's skin.

 _Fuck_. "It's tough to get into med school if your GPA tanks in your sophomore year, Hawk."

Hawk grumbles something that almost sounds like 'We don't  _both_  need to be doctors', but BJ doesn't get time to process it before Hawk's clambering upright. "Well, if you insist on being studious," he says, "despite all the far more interesting things we could be doing-" he straddles BJ for a moment and gracefully rolls his hips; BJ can't help the choked groan "-then I guess I better step into my role of charming host and knowledgeable tutor."

He climbs out of bed, then holds out a hand to pull BJ up after him and into a brief kiss. "I will feed and educate you, and I accept payment in kisses and sexual favours," he says with a smile against BJ's lips.

BJ shakes his head. "Menace," he says fondly, and leans in to kiss Hawk a lot more thoroughly. He isn't quite ready to renew sexual favours just yet, but on the whole, this is a deal he can definitely live with.

* * *

"Y'know, the vascular, respiratory and nervous systems are a work of art, but whoever made it so you can only get at the prostate from  _inside_  the waste disposal shoot was smoking something."

BJ blinks. "What?"

Hawk cranes his head up from where he's wedged against BJ's knee. "I mean, if I was gonna put something in the male body that could make a guy's head explode, I'd put it somewhere a little more accessible."

Studying with Hawk is a crapshoot of actual study and random tangents, but this one is new and arresting. "Since when did you believe anyone decided any of that, Hawk? You're the most stubbornly agnostic person I've ever met."

Hawk grins. "Just because I'm not convinced there was a designer doesn't mean I can't complain about the design flaws, Beej."

"Weirdo."

"Seriously, though, it makes no sense." Hawk shakes his head. "If it's all about passing on genetic material, why is the human body designed so that being fucked in the ass feels like heaven?"

BJ's ears start to burn. He stares at his biology textbook and tries to concentrate. "Uh."

"Stupidest system I ever saw," Hawk continues. "If an engineer drew up a plan like that, he'd get laughed all the way to the unemployment office. There's no justice in a world where no one can lick one of the most sensitive parts of my body, Beej. It's ludicrous."

BJ has no idea how to respond.

The sensitive parts of Hawk's body are distracting at the best of times; after this, it's possible BJ will never be able to look at a diagram of mitochondria ever again without getting somewhat aroused.

"What're you reading?"

Another non sequitur. BJ seriously can't keep up. "Uh, my bio textbook?"

"You hungry?" Hawk doesn't wait for an answer, just dumps his own book, bounces up from the couch, and retrieves a couple of apples from the kitchenette. He isn't, as it turns out, a bad cook, but he's a little chaotic, especially in a tiny kitchen, and BJ suspects having the patience to cook twice a day is something that happens to other people. Fortunately, he's well stocked up on snack foods, both healthy and otherwise.

He hands BJ one of the apples and flops down on the couch beside him, leaning hard into his side and giving him the puppy dog eyes he's so good at. BJ figures study is done for the night.

"Want me to quiz you?" he asks. Hawk's been the tutor all afternoon and most of the evening; it seems only fair that BJ offer whatever help he can in return.

Hawk pulls a face. "Nah, I'm all academic'd out." Then he frowns. "What?"

"What 'what'?"

"That face you made then."

"Uh... I guess I just wish I could help you more. Seems like you got the rough end of this deal, you know?"

Hawk laughs. "Beej, you are altogether too sweet."

BJ flushes.

"It's a pleasure to study with you, and I get to do this." Hawk tugs BJ's chin down and kisses him, tender and smiling. His mouth tastes sweet-sharp from the apple. "That," he whispers when he's done, "is worth days and days of tuition."

BJ's cheeks flush hotter. "Oh."

Hawk snuggles back down into BJ's shoulder and pulls the textbook gently but firmly out of his hand. They sit in companionable silence for a few minutes, eating their apples, and Hawk tosses the cores into the trash when they're done.

If today hadn't started like it did, BJ would thank him with some of those sexual favours, but he's still feeling raw and uncertain. He was almost ready to jump Hawk earlier, but while his body is absolutely on board, his mind is less convinced, and he knows (even if he doesn't like it) that he needs a chance to think before he leaps into yet more intimacy.

Hawk looks up at him, and BJ's resolve is slipping away. It would be so damn easy to lean down, to kiss Hawk, to pull Hawk into his lap and slip his hands up under Hawk's shirt.  _So_  easy. He takes a deep breath and tells himself to get a grip. He doesn't want to leave, but desperately needs something to do with his hands to have any hope of keeping them off of Hawkeye.

He almost loses it when Hawk sucks his bottom lip into his mouth. BJ wonders if it's deliberate, or if Hawk doesn't realise how enticing he is. Damn, but he's pretty.

Unexpectedly, it provides BJ with the distraction he needs. "Can I draw you?"

Hawk blinks. "Uh. Sure." Another few blinks, like he's emerging from a trance. "Do you want me to sit like in class? What do you need most practice at? Front, back, side view?" He reaches for the hem of his shirt again.

It's tempting to let him disrobe - BJ can't see himself tiring of naked Hawk any time soon - but what he wants right now is to draw Hawk's face. He grabs Hawk's wrists. Hawk blinks even more.

"I don't want to draw you for practice," BJ says. "I just want to draw you."

Hawk stares at him for a moment, then his face melts into an expression which seems to encompass both shy and smug. "Oh."

They smile at each other like idiots for a moment, then Hawk moves to the other end of the couch (BJ's both relieved and disappointed to lose Hawk's warmth against his side) and relaxes into the arm.

"How'd you want me?"

BJ gets within a hairsbreadth of saying 'However you like' before he realises he'd be asking for trouble. "You're fine there," he says instead.

Fetching his pencils and pad gives BJ a second to collect himself, though when he sits down again, he's still terribly aware of Hawk, of how Hawk's looking at him. It's better when he starts drawing. He's far too tuned in to Hawk to ever forget who his model is, to get lost in the technical side of it, but it's easier when he has something to focus on, even if he's not at all equal to the task.

Trying to capture Hawk's likeness is much more difficult than just trying to draw his body. BJ can't help comparing his efforts to the picture Hawk drew of him this morning, and he's glad he defended Hawk's skills as an artist with Peg; Hawk made this look so easy, and BJ is more and more impressed.

It's not easy. It's frustrating, maddening even, and he can all but feel Hawk watching. He should definitely have done some practice before he tried to draw Hawkeye. Then again, if it were someone else, he might simply give up. Still, he's dreading letting Hawk see it. It's one thing when he screws up in class, it's another when he's doing this of Hawk,  _for_  Hawk, when he wants to impress Hawk.

Eventually he gets to a point where he doesn't think he's going to do a better job. He sighs and puts his pencils to one side, and when he looks up again, Hawk's leaning forwards, expression eager.

"Lemme see!"

BJ pulls a face. "It's... not great."

"I'm sure it's better than you think. Please, Beej?" Hawk's far too damn winsome for BJ's own good.

Reluctantly, BJ nods. He feels obscurely like he's let Hawk down, and he cringes when Hawk shuffles in close and looks over his shoulder.

All BJ can see are imperfections and poorly proportioned features, the way there's only the barest likeness, the crude shading, how he had to draw Hawk's nose half a dozen times and couldn't erase all the evidence.

To his surprise, Hawk, in contrast, stares at it like it's the Mona Lisa.

"I need more practice with faces," BJ says. After all the art he's seen Hawkeye produce, he's embarrassed by his inadequate efforts.

Hawk shakes his head. "It's... you're coming along, Beej. You're doing really well. I can't believe you didn't take art in high school."

BJ makes a derisive sound, and Hawk looks up.

"No, really," he insists. "I... can I have this?"

It's such an unexpected request, BJ just gapes for a second, then babbles. "I- of course, if you want it, I mean it's not very good but if you want to have it then I don't mind, I mean yes, sure, of course."

Hawk gives him a fond, amused grin, then looks down at the portrait and the amusement fades away. "Thanks," he murmurs, as he tears the page from the sketchbook with great care then hands the pad back to BJ, eyes still glued to the drawing.

BJ is both flattered and confused. Sure, he's probably a harsher judge of his efforts than Hawkeye is, but even allowing for Hawk being kind, there's no way his picture deserves such consideration.

Eventually, Hawk takes a deep breath and lays it on the coffee table with great care. "Thank you," he says again.

BJ can't get a suitable response out.

Hawk sits back on the couch, reaches out to stroke his hand through BJ's hair, then tugs him into a kiss. It's as gentle as the last, but slow and deep and definitely meant to lead somewhere. BJ sinks into it, unable to resist and with no desire to try, lost in how good it is.

It's only when Hawk slips his hands up under BJ's shirt and drags his fingernails lightly, teasingly over BJ's skin, that BJ remembers he's not supposed to jump back into bed with Hawk at the earliest opportunity.  _Margaret_ , he reminds himself, and manages to pull away from Hawk's mouth, breathing heavily.

At least Hawk is similarly discombobulated, looking at him with slightly wild eyes. "Beej?"

Lying is not one of BJ's talents. "I... I should go back," he says. "I have an early class, and I don't have my books, and..." He's terrible at this. It's mostly true, but if it weren't for how confusing today's been, he'd definitely say screw it. An early start would be a more than fair exchange for spending the night here, in Hawk's bed. By comparison, his own room and his own bed hold little appeal; if Hawk presses the issue, BJ's had it.

Hawk peers up from under his eyelashes, then leans in for another kiss, soft and tempting. He doesn't have to say it aloud; every line of his body is inviting BJ to take him to bed, and God, BJ wants to so badly...

He pulls back, gently but firmly pushes Hawk out of his space, and takes a deep breath.

If he doesn't leave now - like  _right now_  - he's going to give in to the temptation of nakedness and sex and all the intimacy he'd get if he spent the night here, and then he's gonna hate himself for being so weak. He needs space, he needs to figure this out, and he just can't do that here, he can't do that and love on Hawk at the same time. It's too hard, too confusing.

Hawk's shoulders droop, but his sigh sounds resigned. "Damn early classes."

BJ huffs out a laugh. "Tell me about it. An 8am class is a human rights violation."

"Next semester, I'll help you figure out a schedule that allows for more lie-ins."

BJ flushes. The notion Hawk is planning so far ahead, that his notion of next semester includes BJ, is another part of what BJ doesn't understand. "Thanks," he says.

They look at each other. It's all BJ can do to keep his hands to himself and not to pull Hawk close. He really, really needs to move.

He takes a deep breath, starts gathering his belongings, and does his best not to notice how Hawk's watching him with those big, sad, puppy dog eyes. He's fairly sure Hawk's not doing it on purpose, not trying to guilt him, but it makes his heart ache anyway.

He needs to remember there's a reason he isn't jumping back into bed with Hawk.  _She's great in bed_. If this is as casual as it seems to be for Hawk, BJ needs to figure out how to deal with that. He wishes he were brave enough to outright ask Hawk what this means, if there's anything at all here beyond friendship and tender but ultimately meaningless sex. But he's too scared to find out, too scared that if Hawk realises BJ is in way over his head, he'll finish it before BJ's in any way ready to let go.

Hawk trails him to the door, one hand clutching the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

"Well," BJ says, "I guess this is goodnight."

Hawks looks so forlorn. For the first time, BJ feels like the adult in this relationship. Hawk nods, then rummages in his pocket for a moment, glances up, and takes BJ's hand in both of his. "Beej?"

"Yeah?"

Hawk looks down at their hands, but it's not till he slips something cold and hard into BJ's palm that BJ realises it's anything other than that strange shyness which comes out at the most unexpected times.

"Hawk, what-?" BJ stops when he realises it's a set of keys. He gulps.

Hawk still doesn't look up. He shrugs a shoulder. "'Cause you know, you're always welcome here, Beej. Even if I'm not here. I know you like having somewhere to escape to off of campus." Another shrug.

BJ gets the impression Hawk is trying to be casual, or at least to seem casual, but this doesn't feel casual at all. "Hawk, I..."

Hawk folds BJ's hand around the keys. "You won't have to wait for me to buzz you in, you know?"

There's a lump the size of a grapefruit in BJ's throat. "I..." He has no idea what to say. "Thanks. Thank you."

"It's purely selfish," Hawk says. He's still staring at their hands. "I'm just hoping to find you naked in my bed when I come back from lectures."

BJ gets the impression Hawk's aiming for jocular, but it's coming out more like wistful, and BJ can't summon up a laugh. He runs his fingers along Hawk's cheekbone, then into his hair, pulls him into a kiss that's easier than trying to express all the emotions this gesture stirred up.

Hawk clings to him, and when the kiss ends, the hug just gets tighter. BJ should be going, should disentangle himself and get out of here, but he doesn't want to, and Hawk doesn't want him to, and it's really hard to make himself move. It would be so, so easy to push Hawk back inside, to kiss him hard and bundle him into bed, to remove his clothing inch by inch and lick him all over.

 _Fuck_. BJ really needs to leave. He buries his nose in Hawk's shoulder and breathes in deeply, savours his scent, then gently peels Hawk away from his body. That gets him a disconsolate whine which very nearly breaks his resolve, but he cups Hawk's face in his hands, kisses Hawk's nose and cheeks and forehead, then leaves one last soft kiss on his mouth.

"'Night, Hawk," BJ murmurs, and before he can change his mind, he turns on his heel and leaves.

_~ fin ~_


End file.
